he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
