My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Randomize
