so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
