You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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