i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
