what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
