And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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