You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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