people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
