I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
