I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm like, not good at living.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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