id be glad to
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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