Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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