I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
