theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
