This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
