Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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