dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
