I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
