She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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