You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
