remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
