Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
