Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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