I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
