Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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