Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
