As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
