everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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