My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
