Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
