I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize