I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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