Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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