yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
