Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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