he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
