i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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