Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
