From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
