i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
