hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize