at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize