I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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