TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
