I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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