i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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