I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
