never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
