the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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