just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
