it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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