Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
