It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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