youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
sex in a hospital.. check
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
