I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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