You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
